How My Same Sex Attraction Was Ended

Written by:  Christy McFerren

After sharing my story of overcoming homosexuality with the Prodigal community last month, I have been approached by more people than ever whose stories and struggles are similar to mine asking for more specifics about how I went from being attracted to women to legitimately being attracted to men.

Also interesting, I have been approached by heterosexual people who have never struggled with same sex attraction wanting to know more about the mystery that is homosexuality and seeking to understand its dynamics and how a person can “get there”.

Regardless of the background of those who inquire about my struggle, the conversation that follows both angles of questioning is mostly the same, and I find it to be a place where bridges are being built. Up to now, the inability to understand our differences has given place for anger and hostility to rise between the two perspectives, but I believe a new conversation is unfolding where compassion will take root.

I have a special place of compassion for people who want to love those who share my struggle but can’t relate.

With no frame of reference within themselves, it’s sometimes difficult for those who have never experienced same sex attraction to understand, and it’s a challenge for their spiritual growth to actively love and choose not to view those who do struggle as intentionally deviant.

Those who are attracted to the same sex usually can’t fathom an existence where it’s not at least something of a perfectly natural temptation, and struggle not to view those who say they can’t relate to them as unenlightened bigots. From their perspective, it is really hard to get your head around the lack of sympathy.

I want to share more details about my process here in the name of bridge building.

The roots of attraction may be a little different for everyone,

–so this is not intended to be an oversimplified answer that is applicable to everyone, but I’ve seen evidence that the more people who have been on both sides of the issue and are willing to share their perspectives, the better off our culture will be.

Because I fought my sexuality so adamantly, I was not in many long-term relationships with women. But there were a few women I was especially attracted to – enough so that I was willing to suspend my convictions and attempt to form a relationship. These usually lasted just a few months. The relationships were characterized by a kind of manic excitement at first, with undertones of fear of abandonment and jealousy in place from the start.

Over a short period of time the undertones would become defining marks of the relationship, and I would hold the person tightly to myself with the sense that letting go would be losing not only them, but part of me.

The relationships would become either a highly dysfunctional tug of war of control and jealousy or a symbiotic existence of codependency and expectations that mounted too high for either person to achieve. In either scenario, disappointment and heartache were certain to follow. In reflecting on the way my relationships went when I gave in to my same sex attractions,

–over time I began to realize that the women I was drawn to were women who had either physical characteristics or personality traits that I felt were inadequate in my own expression of womanhood.

For example, I was mostly drawn to bubbly personalities because I am a quiet and serious person much of the time. Or I was drawn to petite women because with my larger frame, I never felt I fit the bill for what a woman should look like to be considered attractive in our society. When this first occurred to me, it didn’t seem that wrong because even heterosexual couples seek people who complement their weaknesses. Opposites attract.

But I began to realize that I was seeking the rest of my womanhood from the women I was with.

Then I saw that anytime I was hurt by my partner, the pain was so deep it was as if my sense of womanhood was being threatened. I was controlling, possessive and expressed a strong need for agreement and affirmation because I had somewhere in the process looped this person into my identity as an inseparable part of me.

Any action they took that indicated a distinction between us as people resulted in a fight. I felt either legitimized as a valuable person or completely worthless based on their everyday responses to me. When I first began to see and understand that this is what was at work in me, I started to rise up a little bit against it. The foundations of my faith gave me the understanding that I could and should call out to God for completion and identity in these areas instead of trying to draw it out of a relationship with a woman, or any human for that matter.

The revelation came that I was engaging in idolatry, expecting wholeness and fulfillment from something and someone that wasn’t designed to give it to me, and I was valuing that as primary to God. It was angering and humiliating when I saw that I was underestimating my own womanhood and allowing some other woman to define what was rightfully and uniquely mine to express.

This marked my freedom from the bondage of looking to women for affirmation in my womanhood,

–and I started looking for that affirmation in the mirror – the one I dressed in front of each day and the one in the Word of God. I wasn’t immediately changed entirely. The habits of my emotions and sexuality were forces to be reckoned with for sure (that’s where the “fight” came in), but I was free from the trappings that would draw me back in with any real level of expectation.

Freedom introduced a new level of logic I had not experienced in my struggle before, and as a result I never engaged the idea of a same sex relationship again with any sense of merit or as a legitimate option for my life.

With serious gaps in my identity closing quickly, I began to see the appeal of having a man in my life.

As time went on and my expression of womanhood became more clear and defined in me, I grew in confidence, and began to look at men with new eyes. Over time I began to evaluate what I would want in a man, and it became very clear to me that I was certain my attraction to women had ended I was in fact sexually and emotionally attracted to men.

Today I am married to the man God chose to give me and as you read this we’re on the road for a little anniversary getaway.

In addition to a beautiful marriage, God has added to my life the joy of godly, healthy friendships with other women. I couldn’t imagine my life another way. Here are the concerns that bring questions to my heart as I continue to live this story:

How can we be about the business of building bridges between those who experience same sex attraction and those who don’t?
How can we begin to have this conversation in healthy and productive ways in our culture?
Are we digging deep, as Christians, finding honor for all people?

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Christy is a blogger, designer and speaker covering the topics of faith, technology, and business ideas that create cultural revolution. She lives in Austin, TX, with her husband Dan. Together they run a brand development firm called Thoughtful Revolution. They are passionate about humbly bringing change and inviting people to ask the questions Jesus came to answer. You can read her blog and receive updates on her upcoming ebook, First Steps Out, at ChristyMcFerren.com.