Marriage is a gift from God. But marriage is in a sad state in America today, and we all suffer because of it.

I read recently about the movie star Joan Crawford who was legendary in her promiscuity. As her rival Bette Davis once reportedly sneered about her, “She slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.”

Apparently, in the miserable and difficult childhood of Lucille LeSouer (who later adopted the name Joan Crawford), there was a wound from the absence of her father, according to Shaun Considine’s book, Bette and Joan, which became the basis for the mini-series, The Feud.

Considine quotes someone else about Crawford’s childhood: “Being abandoned so often traumatized Joan…She spent the rest of her life looking for a father—in husbands, lovers, studio executives, and directors.” To this Considine adds, “When she found the ideal candidate, Joan felt safe, secure, validated. In time she expected them to leave, to reject her. When they didn’t, she grew suspicious, then resentful, and found ways to make them depart.” So sad.

So far from God’s design, which is one man, one woman for life. His prohibitions against sex outside of marriage are for our good.

A fascinating article in a recent Wall Street Journal (February 5-6, 2022), highlighted the findings of a study based on the marriages and many divorces among 50,000 women in the National Survey of Family Growth.

One can infer from the article’s headline that it’s best to avoid cohabitating before marriage: “Too Risky to Wed in Your 20s? Not If You Avoid Cohabiting First: Research shows that marrying young without ever having lived together with a partner makes for some of the lowest divorce rates.”

Brad Wilcox and Lyman Stone, the article’s authors, observe, “The idea that cohabitation is risky is surprising, given that a majority of young adults believe that living together is a good way to pretest the quality of your partners and your partnership.” But couples who live together before they wed “are less likely to be happily married and more likely to land in divorce court.”

Through the years, similar studies have found the same results: to prepare best for marriage, save sex for marriage. Even in the archives of the UCLA, they cite a 1990s study from the Family Research Center in Washington, D.C., which says:  “Other findings indicate that saving sex for marriage reduces the risk of divorce, and monogamous married couples are the most sexually satisfied Americans.” If you’re unfaithful before marriage, why should you be faithful after getting married?

In previous generations, cohabitation was viewed as more of a scandal. Of course, not all marriages were good by any means.

My dad used to tell a story where he and mom were playing bridge one day against another couple. The woman kept yelling and berating her partner at every turn.

Finally, dad asked her, “Are you two married?”

And she snapped, “Of course we are! Do you think I’d live in sin with an idiot like that?”— pointing to her henpecked husband. When I shared this anecdote with a friend, he thought that that story might discourage someone from considering marriage instead of cohabitation. Well, without proper preparation, bad marriages happen. (Sadly, sometimes even with preparation.)

I thank God that I have 42 years of empirical evidence that I married a saint. After all, my fantastic wife has put up with me for more than four decades. Thankfully, we spent more time preparing for the marriage than we did for the wedding.

I write this on Valentine’s Day 2022—when we celebrate love and romance. Christian author Bill Federer notes that the best historical evidence is that Valentine’s Day customs go back to a third century Christian leader, who fell afoul of the Roman Empire and was martyred on February 14, 269.

The reason for St. Valentine’s martyrdom was not only his rejection of Roman idolatry but also because he defied the emperor, who forbade men in the Roman army to marry. Writes Federer: “Roman Emperor Claudius II needed more soldiers to fight the invading Goths. He believed that men fought better if they were not married, so he banned traditional marriage in the military.”

But some of these soldiers wanted to be married, and Valentine secretly performed weddings for them. When the Roman leaders found out about this, he was arrested and sentenced to death. The jailer, who had a sick daughter, asked his prisoner, the holy man, to pray for his child. She got better, and the saint wrote her a short, encouraging note, signing it from “your Valentine.”

Jesus said, “I have come that they might have life and have it more abundantly.” That includes our relationships.

God’s design for marriage is for our good, and it helps spare people a lot of unnecessary unhappiness.

This article was originally published by JerryNewcombe.com.

Written by Patience Griswold

A recent Gallup survey found that just 29 percent of Americans believe it is very important for a couple who has children together to be married, down from 49 percent in 2006. The survey also found that only 38 percent of Americans said that it is very important for a couple that plans to stay together for the rest of their lives to be married — a disparity that indicates a shift in how Americans think about marriage and family, with fewer Americans seeing the two as going hand in hand.

Several commentators have pointed out that while marriage rates have been dropping for some time, and our culture increasingly minimizes the importance of marriage in forming stable families, Gallup’s research shows a significant and alarming decline in support for marriage among groups that have traditionally been pro-marriage and family, including conservatives, Americans over the age of 55, and people who attend church weekly. While 67 percent of weekly church attendees said that it is very important for a couple who plans to stay together for the rest of their lives to be married, only 45 percent of weekly church attendees said that it is very important for a couple who has children together to be married. Even in the church, a shrinking number of people recognize how important it is for couples who have children together to be married.

Another subgroup that surprisingly did not place a higher value on parents being married was respondents with children under the age of 18. Gallup reports,

Parents of minor children (30 percent) are not significantly more likely than nonparents (27 percent) to view marriage as critical. Those who are currently married (33 percent) are slightly more likely than those who are not married (25 percent) to say it is important, though the current eight-percentage-point gap between these two groups has narrowed from 16 points in 2006.

Cohabitation is not the same as marriage, and the difference is clear when looking at the data for how children fare when raised by cohabiting versus married parents. Additionally, two out of every three unmarried couples who have children together split up by the time their child is 12 years old, meaning that children cohabitating couples are more likely to face the very real loss of fatherlessness or motherlessness than not.

Children do best when they are raised by their married mom and dad because no mother can fill the role of a father, and no father can fill the role of a mother. Children who are raised by their married parents are less likely to experience poverty, less likely to be incarcerated, and more likely to graduate from college, and mere financial support does not fill the void left by an absent parent.

Family stability matters for children, and cohabitation undermines that. Even when cohabiting couples choose to marry, marriages that begin with cohabitation are more likely to end in divorce. Unfortunately, over half of America’s young adults believe that the opposite is true, saying that living together before marriage increases the likelihood of a successful marriage.

Currently, only half of the children in the U.S. are raised by their married mother and father. This is a real loss that comes with significant harm to children, adults, and entire communities. Marriage and family are the bedrock of society and we need to be investing in building strong marriages and families and pursuing policies that encourage the formation of strong families, rather than penalizing them. Coming alongside children and families affected by family breakdown is also vital — children who have experienced family breakdown but are raised in communities with strong families fare better than children who experience family breakdown and are not surrounded by families with stable marriages at their core.

Despite popular opinion, it is very important that couples who have children together be married, and the church needs to lead the way in recognizing this fact by encouraging and strengthening marriages and families. Marriage and family are designed to go hand in hand, and everyone benefits when both are valued.

This article was originally published by the Minnesota Family Council.

There was a troubling recent story in Christianity Today that reveals many churches are failing the call to be in the world, but not of the world. It seems that most young Evangelical Christians now embrace cohabitation, living together before marriage. Most Evangelicals under the age of 45 have cohabited, or plan to do so in the future, or are open to the possibility.

A 2019 Pew Research survey found that 58 percent of white Evangelicals say they believe that cohabiting is acceptable if a couple plans to marry. In fact, a 2012 survey found that only 41 percent of evangelicals ages 18 to 29 disagreed with the claim that cohabitation was morally acceptable even if the couple had no express intent to marry. In other words, like the Pew survey, this General Social Survey found that 59 percent of Evangelicals were okay with living together for any reason, even if marriage is not imminent or a consideration.

While 84 percent of those with no religious affiliation cohabit before marriage, compared to 54 percent of evangelical protestants, most people who cohabit never make it to the altar. For example, among Evangelicals, only 49 percent ended in marriage. Some research shows that overall, only about 1 in 4 couples who cohabit make it to the altar. For those that do, the news is not much better. Far from being a “trial marriage” their rate of divorce is much higher than those who did not live together before marriage.

There is more than a practical problem here for people of faith. Living together before marriage is not something God approves of according to scripture. This is not an abstract teaching, or something only mentioned in passing. Sexual purity as an expectation, and the importance of marriage, is easily found throughout the Bible and a concept widely held in Christian circles for centuries.

You can read articles about what the Bible says here or here and lists of verses here.

This article was originally published by AFA of Indiana.

One of the often-cited claims that seems to have taken hold is that the divorce rate in the church is the same as outside of the church. Yet, is this really true? The claim overlooks what the research really says about church attendance and its impact upon both marriage and divorce rates.

Marriage and church attendance have been falling in America as rates of cohabitation and out of wedlock births have increased over the last 50 years. The decline of religion and marriage have received a lot of attention, but the link between the two has sometimes been overlooked.

Christianity generally encourages marriage and discourages divorce. It would be peculiar to assume that those beliefs would not have any impact on the marital choices of believers. To understand why the claim of equal divorce rates hangs on, it is necessary to look at the devout.

Those who attend church three times a month, call them the devout, and those who attend church once a month or less, call them the less devout, reveals a clearer picture of marriage and divorce. While 70 percent of Americans describe themselves as Christian, that number is roughly twice the number of the devout who regularly attend church.

The devout have higher rates of marriage and significantly lower rates of divorce than the less devout and overall general public. Thus, active Christians do have a divorce rate different from the secular or less devout. To read more about this, click HERE.

This article was originally published by AFA of Indiana.

Written by Regis Nicoll

Cohabitation has become so accepted and commonplace that for many couples it is not the result of a conscious decision or even a conversation. Instead, notes clinical psychologist Meg Jay, more often it “just happens,” as a couple slides, ever so surely, from dating, to having sex, to sleeping over, to sleeping over a lot, to moving in together without discussing goals or expectations.

Today, nearly 50 percent of women aged 25-39 admit to living, or having lived, with an unmarried partner. Most do so in hopes that the relationship will move to marriage. For most men, it is a “test drive” that allows them to postpone commitment while enjoying the benefits of available sex.

Predictably, women who acquiesce to an unbinding relationship set themselves up for frustration, disappointment, and objectification. Take “Jennifer,” who told Dr. Jay she felt that her boyfriend was never committed to her and that she “was on this multiyear, never-ending audition to be his wife.” Although they were eventually married, a year afterward Jennifer was seeking divorce.

Counting the costs

Contrary to the hopes of most women, cohabitation actually decreases their chance of getting married in their prime childbearing years, as a 2012 CDC survey reported. For those who do reach the altar, like Jennifer, there are increased risks of marital dissatisfaction, marital problems and divorce — especially if they cohabited before engagement — which carry emotional, psychological, and financial costs that far outweigh any economic benefits that might have used to rationalize their “decision.”

And there are social costs as well.

As the incidence of cohabitation shot up, the marriage rate plummeted (and is now at a historic low) and the out-of-wedlock birth rate skyrocketed (now at a record high). So, no longer can one assume that a pregnant woman is married or will be married.

Instead, after pregnancy, more couples are choosing cohabitation over marriage according to the National Center for Health Statistics. And that exacts a cost on their children, who, the National Institutes of Health reports, fare worse academically, cognitively, socially, and behaviorally than children raised by married biological parents.

What’s more, the cohabiters’ increased risk of divorce transfers the increased risks to children of fatherless homes, poverty, neglect, child abuse, and delinquency. And that’s for children whose parents want them. For the rest, it’s adoption or abortion.

How did we get here?

The trend in cohabitation follows a tectonic shift in public attitudes toward premarital sex.

In 1969, although the vast majority of people, 82 percent, reported having had sex before marriage by age 30, only 21 percent felt that was morally acceptable. Consequently, couples who “did it,” even at the height of the Sexual Revolution, were much more likely to do so out of the public eye, as it were.

Over the next 40 years, as public acceptance grew threefold (to 63 percent) and a slightly vaster majority of people (94 percent) admitting to having “done it,” there was far less social pressure to restrain it or keep quiet about it.

This sea change in attitudes and practices can be attributed to two things: “no-consequence” sex and a morally compromised Church.

When birth control and legalized abortion eliminated the “consequence” of sex (an unwanted child) for a woman, they shifted the balance of power in sexual negotiation from her to her boyfriend. The woman who, heretofore, held the upper hand in determining the sexual terms of their relationship, could no longer refuse her man on-demand sex for fear of becoming pregnant. Instead, as the sexual economy was upended, going from meeting a woman’s need for commitment to satisfying a man’s desire for sexual satisfaction, a new fear gripped her: If she “won’t,” she’ll lose him to someone who will.

It is a tragic outcome of our meet-up, hook-up, shack-up culture that a woman who “doesn’t” is at a competitive disadvantage with women who “do.” Indeed, the prospect of being edged out of the romance market has quelled the qualms of many a woman who, in a prior time, could have successfully held out for a ceremony, a ring, or, at least, a verbal commitment.

Today, fewer women worry about getting pregnant than fret over a relationship that hasn’t moved to the bedroom by the third date. For the rare woman who is intent on reserving sex for marriage, she can expect little support from her community or, for many women, their own church.

A failure of leadership

Considering that roughly 80 percent of the U.S. populace is Christian, at the above percentages, it is evident that a lot of Christians — very likely, the majority — are guilty of sexual sin. It is a result of a morally compromised Church that has failed to disciple its members, to the point of allowing sin in the camp to go unchallenged and unquestioned. The same failure of leadership drew a stinging rebuke from Paul to church in his day.

While the actual prevalence of non-marital sex among Christians is debated, I’m willing to bet that many of you know individuals who regularly worship, pray, read their Bible, and even teach in church, who are sexually involved with an unmarried partner.

Some among my acquaintance no longer trouble themselves with hiding what they are doing. To the contrary, with nary a hint of discomfort, they breezily talk about their apartment-hunting, house-making, and weekend getaways together, often posting the latest developments of their relationship on Facebook to a swarm of “likes” from their Christian friends.

These “posters” and “likers” wouldn’t hesitate to call sex between two men or two women a sin, while remaining blind — some willfully so — to the sinfulness of their own sexual practices. A man I’ll call “Kurt” is a case in point.

Kurt is a life-long Christian and student of the Bible. Over breakfast one morning, as he was telling me about his girlfriend, I was taken aback when he matter-of-factly insinuated the sexual nature of their relationship. When I asked how he squared that with biblical teaching, his eyes squinted and jaw went slack as if I’d asked about the burial rites of the Inuit.

After a long, pregnant pause, he said, “I’m committed to her!” as if that resolved any biblical difficulty I might bring up. I brought up a few. He was unmoved. A few months later I heard that he was in another “committed” relationship.

These are people who would consider themselves to be good Christians. They know their Bible, they are active in church, they are theologically conservative, and they embrace conventional church teaching, which, for the most part, they pride themselves in living by. Yet, when it comes to their sex lives, they have cultivated what Mary Eberstadt has called the “will to disbelieve” what the Bible plainly teaches.

The will to disbelieve may not cost a believer his salvation, but it will cost him, at a price indexed to his willfulness. As Jesus warned His disciples,

“The servant who knows the master’s will and . . . does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded.”

The Christian who ignores his Master’s will and proceeds to build a relationship on a foundation of non-marital sex is like the man who built his house on straw only to have it burned up. Remember “Jennifer”? As to the man himself, Paul assures us, he will be saved, but only “as one escaping through the flames.” That’s a cost we should all want to avoid.

Regis Nicoll is a freelance writer and a BreakPoint Centurion. Serving as a men’s ministry leader and worldview teacher in his community, Regis publishes a free weekly commentary to stimulate thought on current issues from a Christian perspective. 

This article was originally posted at BreakPoint.org

Marriage is a beautiful and sacred institution, created by God for procreation and as a picture of Christ and His Church.

Genesis 2:24 instructs, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

And in Ephesians 5:31 we read, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.”

The formula for a lasting, loving marriage is also found in Ephesians 5:

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.

. . .

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

The Apostle Paul painted a splendid picture of marriage, that of the wife loving the husband enough to live for him, and the husband loving his wife enough to be willing to lay down his life for her. That’s not a 50-50 formula–that’s God’s design of a man and a woman committed to giving 100 percent to each other and their marriage.

But modern America seems to believe it knows better than the Creator of the heavens and earth, the Grand Designer of men, women, and marriage. In a recent Barna study, 65% of all adults either strongly or somewhat agree that it’s a good idea to cohabit prior to marriage.

When comparing “practicing Christians” v. non-religious/non-believers, 41% of Christians agreed cohabitation was a good idea versus 88% of the non-churched:

Unsurprisingly, the most religious groups in America are the least likely to think cohabitation is a good idea. Most Christian teaching on pre-marital relationships encourages abstinence and other boundaries that tend to exclude cohabitation, and the data reflects these beliefs. Practicing Christians (41%) are highly unlikely to believe cohabitation is a good idea, and the stark contrast with those who identify as having no faith (88%) further demonstrates the acute impact of religious belief on views regarding cohabitation.

Let that sink in. Forty-one percent of so-called practicing Christians believe cohabitation is a “good idea.” Whatever form of Christianity those respondents are practicing, it most certainly is not biblical Christianity.

The Bible is very clear on sexual relations. God intended such intimacies to be glorious and exclusively for a husband and wife. Hebrews 13:4 cautions, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”

The world concocts ideas that turn God’s principles on their head at its own peril. God’s admonitions are not to stifle our joy but to increase it.

Consider this. First Things First (FTF), “an award-winning not-for-profit organization dedicated to strengthening families in Hamilton County, Tennessee” responds to the “myths about living together.”

MYTH: Living together is an easy way to “try out” the relationship before committing to marriage.

Truth: While the idea of “test driving” a car before you buy it is a good idea, it doesn’t apply to marriage. Living together is basically a “pretend marriage” and nothing like the real thing. Couples who live together often have attitudes like: “I can leave any time,” and “My money vs. your money” that married couples don’t typically have. Married couples often have a stronger bond to each other because of their vow of permanence. Married couples also tend to have less volatile relationships.

The worn-out “kicking the tires” analogy is often employed when describing cohabitation. But the problem is, people are not cars. Living together teaches those involved to bail when one no longer satisfies the desires or fulfills the needs of the other or when things get tough. The attitude from the outset is “we’ll try this out, see if we fit.”

But here’s a relevant truth: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” What that means is none of us “fit” perfectly because we’re imperfect creatures.

Cohabitation fosters an attitude of selfishness. It reinforces the natural desires of fallen humans to put their desires and need first. But marriage, as God intended, is about self-sacrificial giving.

Another myth addressed by FTF:

MYTH: Marriage is just a piece of paper.

Truth: Emotionally, physically and spiritually, marriage is so much more than a piece of paper. It is a commitment. Viewing marriage as only a legal arrangement strips it of its meaning and sets the relationship up for failure. If couples do not view marriage as a loving, committed relationship, divorce is almost inevitable.

The Barna findings showed that cohabitation was primarily seen as a way to “test the waters before taking the plunge.” But cohabitation as a test period is an abysmally poor training ground for marital bliss.

Indeed, studies bear out “shacking up” consequences:

…nearly a dozen studies from the 1970s into the early 2000s showed that men and women who lived together before marriage were far more likely to divorce than couples who moved directly from dating to marriage. In fact, on average, researchers found that couples who cohabited before marriage had a 33 percent higher chance of divorcing than couples who moved in together after the wedding ceremony. *

The plain truth is that what we practice we do. Men and women entering live-in relationships practice keeping their guard up, looking out for number one. Those couples, even if they end up married, will have entrenched attitudes and habits that erode the trust and unconditional love necessary to a happy, lasting marriage.

And what about children?

Psalm 127:3 tells us that “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.”

The divine plan was children within marriage–a man-woman union–committed to each other and loving only the Lord God more than spouse. That healthy, God-ordained relationship is the perfect setting for rearing offspring and imparting God’s transcendent values. The strong commitment of a mother and father to each other creates a secure home for their children.

In contrast, because cohabitation offers no real assurance of security, children  learn to fear: every argument, every disagreement could signal the end of their family. Thus, not only is living outside of wedlock a dreadful precursor to marriage, it is also an insecure environment for rearing kids.

Barna’s study portends a dismal future for America. Our time-tested societal foundation has been the nuclear family, but as God’s guiding principles are ignored, ruin and heartbreak increase.

People are not meant to be traded in. Unlike cars, people are intrinsically valuable, meant to be treasured in spite of defects and mileage.

*One recent research paper suggests that premarital cohabitation may not increase the likelihood of divorce.

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A new research study concludes that cohabitation has now become the greatest threat to the welfare of children in the United States. The study, entitled “Why Marriage Matters,” says that cohabitation has replaced divorce as the greatest contributor to family instability in our culture.

The study is the work of 18 family scholars working in conjunction with the Center for Marriage and Families at the University of Virginia. The researchers found that more than 40 percent of American children now spend part of their childhood in a household with unmarried parents. Forty-one percent of all births are now occurring with unwed mothers.

“In a striking turn of events, the divorce rate for married couples with children has returned almost to the levels we saw before the divorce revolution kicked in during the 1970’s,” says W. Bradford Wilcox, lead author of the report.

“Nevertheless, family instability is on the rise for American children as a whole. This seems in part to be because more couples are having children in cohabiting unions, which are very unstable. Overall, more adults are moving in and out of households in a relationship carousel.”

Wilcox says the report finds that children in cohabiting households are more likely to suffer from a range of emotional and social problems such as drug use, depression, and dropping out of school, as compared to children in intact married families.

Researchers discovered that the breakup rate for parents with children under 12 who are cohabitating is 170 per cent higher than it is for married parents. The study also revealed that children in cohabiting households are three times more likely to be physically, sexually, or emotionally abused than children in intact biological married parent homes.

The study concludes that “marriage is an important public good, associated with a range of economic, health, and safety benefits.” The final report states unequivocally that “the intact, biological, married family remains the Gold Standard for family life in the United States. Children are most likely to thrive economically, socially, and psychologically in this family form.” [Emphasis added.]